


my badge, my witness

by casdoms (moffwithhishead)



Series: season 10 codas [7]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Anxiety, Canon Compliant, Gen, M/M, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-09
Updated: 2015-03-09
Packaged: 2018-03-17 01:45:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3510542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moffwithhishead/pseuds/casdoms
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He counts his breaths out and tries to slow them down, tries to remember what his mom told him to do when he was four and he had his first panic attack. Tries to remember how it felt when she pulled him into a hug when he'd calmed down and promised to protect him from the scary things in life. Tries to remember. </p><p>It's not working, nothing is. Singing isn't working, hiding under the covers in his room isn't working, blasting music to try and drown out his own head isn't working. </p><p>Briefly, he wonders if this is how he dies. It feels like he's having a heart attack, though. Maybe he is. Maybe he'll die right now. That could be okay. </p><p>Dean Winchester: saves the world a time or two, faces the Devil himself, survives 40 years in hell and becomes a Knight of Hell, dies for the final time by a heart attack while hiding under his sheets with a pillow covering his head. </p><p>It's fitting, isn't it? A man who should have been fearless, dies because he's scared of his own reflection.</p>
            </blockquote>





	my badge, my witness

**Author's Note:**

> I hope the tags on this made the warnings obvious. but cas talks dean through a panic attack, kinda. I just feel like right now in canon isn't going to be very helpful for dean and his issues and idk I always felt like his anxiety was a Thing in canon but apparently not? whatever, have this. 
> 
> set some time in between last episode and the new one... or any time in which he has the Mark and after he hurts Charlie. 
> 
> title taken from "chicago is so two years ago" by fall out boy

 

You are so good. So good, you’re always feeling so much. And sometimes  
it feels like you’re gonna bust wide open from all the feeling, don’t it?  
People like you are the best in the world, but you sure do suffer for it.

Silas House, _This is My Heart for You_

 

* * *

 

 

He never realized how much the Mark would make  _this_  worse. 

He wonders if Sam knows what's going on, if it's part of his bi-hourly updates to Cas. "No, he hasn't killed anyone else. Yes, he's eating some food. Yes, he's drinking water. Only three panic attacks today." 

Dean hates this. He hates everything about his life right now in the worst possible way.

He has no idea what he is anymore. He wants to die but he's scared shitless to find out where he'll go when he does. He's given up on hoping for something good, the depression that took over him last year hasn't gone away.

Every time he catches his reflection, every time somebody treats him like a grenade made of glass, the tightness in his chest grows. 

 _One, two, three_.

He counts his breaths out and tries to slow them down, tries to remember what his mom told him to do when he was four and he had his first panic attack. Tries to remember how it felt when she pulled him into a hug when he'd calmed down and promised to protect him from the scary things in life. Tries to remember. 

It's not working, nothing is. Singing isn't working, hiding under the covers in his room isn't working, blasting music to try and drown out his own head isn't working. 

Briefly, he wonders if this is how he dies. It feels like he's having a heart attack, though. Maybe he is. Maybe he'll die right now. That could be okay. 

Dean Winchester: saves the world a time or two, faces the Devil himself, survives 40 years in hell and becomes a Knight of Hell, dies for the final time by a heart attack while hiding under his sheets with a pillow covering his head. 

It's fitting, isn't it? A man who should have been fearless, dies because he's scared of his own reflection. 

He should call Sam but he doesn't. His brother has never been good with this stuff. Once when Sam was 10, Dean had one of the worst panic attacks of his life and his little brother panicked and asked Dean why he was being such a girl. Sometimes Sam will remember that and apologize. Dean's not sure if he's ever said, "It's fine, Sammy, don't worry about it," and meant it. 

He can't call Charlie, not anymore. Not after what he did to her - he can't ask her to bear any of this burden. She's done enough.

It makes the tight feeling in his stomach ache more and he curls up as another wave of nausea rolls over him. 

 _God_ , he's pathetic. He's so fucking pathetic it's not even funny. 

The thought sets him off down a path of most resistance from the part of his brain that wants him to calm down. He thinks about how he's such a fucking joke - monsters all over the country know who he is, probably all over the world, and there are days (always been days) when he can't get out of bed because it feels like he can't breathe. 

Alcohol helps, usually. But alcohol makes it a little harder to control the Mark and he feels on edge enough as it is, the thought of going nuclear  _now_  just makes him feel worse. 

He could call Cas but he just - it feels weird. Wrong. 

His chest tightens a little with the guilt of knowing that he could call Cas and he wouldn't mind, he really wouldn't, but - he can't. He's - he's hurt Cas enough. The last thing he needs is to just... dump all of his crazy onto him. 

Dean groans and digs his fingernails into his pillow so he won't dig them into his hand.

He never cries. He doesn't want to cry. If he cries during a panic attack then he's down for the count for the rest of the day, if not the next two. If he cries then all the chemicals in his body are going to come crashing down and he's going to feel exhausted and numb and dead for the next 48-72 hours and that's not the kind of guilt that he can deal with right now. 

"I'm  _fine_ ," he grits out stubbornly into the pillow, ignoring the way his voice cracks. 

John's voice echoes in the back of his head and something snaps inside of him.

He crawls out of the covers just enough to reach over and grab his phone before crawling back under them.

His hands are shaking so much that it takes him three tries to dial Cas' number and he has to put it on speaker otherwise he'll keep dropping it.

The Mark feels like it's laughing at him but that's not new, that's normal. Everything always feels like it's laughing at him for this. Sometimes it feels like the weapons on his walls that have seen him at his most violent, his most heroic, his most terrified, are laughing at him. 

" _Dean?_ " 

Cas' voice sounds farther away than it probably is, and vaguely concerned, and it's all Dean can do to make a noise in response.

It was supposed to be a word like 'hi' or 'hey' or 'help me' but his mouth has apparently decided to cut off communications with his brain because all he can do is hyperventilate. 

" _Dean, are you alright?_ " 

The concern is more prominent, louder, but Cas still sounds a million miles away.

He laughs in response and it's broken and fuck, he's crying now, so it might be a sob, he's not really sure. He wants to say 'No, I'm definitely not alright,' but again, his mouth seems to have decided to go on strike. 

" _Dean, are you alone?_ " Cas takes a beat and rephrases his question, " _Is Sam there? At the bunker?_ " 

He must make a noise that communicates 'no' because Cas sighs into the phone, " _Dean I - I'm - I don't know how I can help._ " 

"J-j-just -" Dean has to take a huge gulp of a breath, surprised at hearing his own voice, "Talk. Please."

His head is a dangerous place, it always is, but it's five times more dangerous when he gets like this. If he doesn't get out of his own head he'll do something stupid, something reckless, something to try and make it stop. 

The Mark is like the kid who smoked behind the gym in middle school, watching this whole clusterfuck from the side of the playground and silently egging him on. It makes another sob claw its way out of his chest and okay, he needs to take the pillow off of his face.

Cas seems lost for a moment because he doesn't say anything but he starts talking after that, when he gets his feet under him again, and it's ridiculous. 

" _Did you know that if an older bee does the job of a younger bee, not only does their brain stop aging but it generally begins to age in reverse?_ " 

He wants to make a joke about Benjamin Button being the live action movie of a bee but he still feels like the world might fall apart at any moment. 

" _Did you know that doctors in the Andes mountains in South America have been known to use guinea pigs to diagnose illnesses?_ " Cas huffs a small, slightly nervous laugh, " _They, um - they put the guinea pig up against the person in need of medical attention and it will squeak when they get to the problem area_." 

It's a ridiculous mental image to Dean because his brain immediately conjured up a person who had been shot going into an emergency room and the doctor coming back out with a couple guinea pigs to diagnose the problem. It makes him smile a little bit. 

So it goes on like this. Cas tells him things that are weird and random and irrelevant to what's going on at the moment and it helps, a little.

" _Did you know that people with naturally blonde hair have more strands of hair than red or darker colored hair? Blondes have approximately 140,000 hairs compared with 108,000 for their darker counterparts_."

" _The first cat in space was a French cat named Felicette, or Astrocat as some people called her. In 1963, France sent her into outer space with electrodes implanted in her brain that sent neurological signals back to Earth. Luckily, she survived the trip. Rachel had been surprisingly upset when she'd heard._ " 

Dean snorts involuntarily and rolls over, wrapping himself around his pillow.

" _In Quitman, Georgia, it is illegal for chickens to cross the road. In Tennessee, it is illegal for children to play games on Sunday without a license. It is illegal in California to lick toads. Apparently, some humans had been going around licking them in an attempt to get high..._ "

Castiel huffs a quiet laugh, " _Humans are... odd._ " 

This time when he feels his chest tighten, it's in a pleasant way. It's that thing his heart does when Cas smiles at him. 

" _Hurricanes_ ," Cas continues after a beat, " _Produce enough energy in one day to run the lights of Las Vegas for many years. A hurricane on Jupiter has been raging for over 300 years and is bigger than the Earth_."

Dean's stopped crying for now and his chest feels a little lighter, but he doesn't tell Cas he can stop yet. It's - nice? 

 _Yeah_ , Dean thinks as he listens to Cas' familiar, rough voice.  _It's... nice_. 

It's nice to have someone who will just... talk to him now and not ask questions. Not make him feel bad, purposefully or not, for being upset. For being...

Cas interrupts that thought before he can think it with a slightly hesitant, " _Dean...? Are you still there?_ " 

He sighs and rubs a hand over his face, wincing when he hears how rough his voice sounds, "Yeah Cas, I'm, um... I'm here." 

When his friend doesn't say anything else, Dean huffs fondly and smiles against his pillow, "You can stop with the facts now, if you, um. If you want, I mean."

Cas smiles and Dean wonders if it's possible for him to hear it because he feels like he can. It feels like the smile he knows is there is warming him from the tips of his toes to the top of his head.

" _You, um..._ " Castiel clears his throat a little awkwardly, " _And you - you are okay?_ " 

Again, Dean finds himself huffing a not-quite laugh and sighing, "I'm, uh... I'm in one piece."

He feels like shit. His head is pounding and his chest aches in a more physical way than it did earlier. His whole body is exhausted, like he spent an entire night running for his life. 

The voice of the therapist Lisa talked him into seeing for a few months pops into his head and reminds him that in a way he has been running for his life and that's okay. It's okay. He's okay. He's not broken or stupid or 'being a girl' about it. 

" _That's, ah..._ " Cas makes a quiet noise of affirmation, " _That's good_."

Dean smiles a little bit and pulls the phone up so it's laying in his line of sight, "Yeah, it ain't bad." 

" _Do you..._ " 

He hears some rustling on the other end of the line before Cas asks a little bit nervously, not wanting to scare him away, " _Do you wish to talk about it?_ "

"Not much to say," Dean admits so quietly that he's not sure if Cas can actually hear him. "Just... well. You put me back together and stuff so I guess you know about this. About - me. And... yeah."

He sighs and reluctantly brings the phone up to his ear, holding it normally, "I just... it happens sometimes. More. Lately, I mean. With the Mark. It, uh..." Dean looks down at the angry red scar on his arm, sighs more tiredly this time, "I don't know. It just... it makes that worse too. The, um. Anxiety? Yeah. That."

Words are hard right now. His brain feels all foggy and there's still this general cloud hanging over him.

He feels guilty for having a panic attack, which - yeah, if he thinks about that for too long, there's going to be a sequel. Possibly worse this time (sequels always are). 

"So, I guess I should say thank you," he manages to try and make his voice sound more normal. "For the, ah... distractions?" 

Cas laughs quietly and sounds slightly more relaxed, " _It is no problem, Dean. I am very old. I've picked up a few things_." 

"Some really fucking weird things, man," Dean laughs this time and it's a little more genuine, and definitely a laugh, not some weird strangled noise. "The pink hippo milk was, ah..." He chuckles, "That was new." 

" _Yes, well..._ " Cas hums a little bit, sounding pleased, " _I know many more facts that I hope would be 'new' to you. If you were to, ah..._ " 

He's nervous because Dean has never let Cas help with a panic attack before, not even in purgatory, and it makes Dean smile a little wider. 

" _If you were to need help again,_ " he tries one more time, sounding more sure of himself, " _I - there's a lot more that I wouldn't mind sharing with you_." 

Dean's heart aches with how much he loves this man and he hides his face in the pillow for a second before mumbling, "That, um... that would be. Good... y'know. Cool. Whatever." 

" _Okay_ ," Cas says the word as he lets out a breath, " _I - yes, I can, ah - I can do that._ " 

"Okay," Dean repeats quietly, "I, um... yeah. I just - I'll call you. Next time." 

" _Okay_."

"Okay." 

They're quiet for a few minutes after that and Dean lets his eyes droop shut, giving into the exhaustion as he mumbles, "Hey... Cas?" 

" _Hmm?_ " 

"Thanks."

"Of course." 

**Author's Note:**

> find me at samerasure on tumblr


End file.
